Chapter 1: From oily rag…

by admin on January 4, 2010

Masterbation Techniques“You’re late!” bellowed Peter into Colin’s mobile. “Where are you?”

Colin was beginning to wish he hadn’t taken up the offer of mobile car cleaning work from his brother in law. It was one thing relaxing with him in the back yard with a couple of chilled brews, quite another to be working for the control freaking bastard. But luck was not on Colin’s side. He had been unceremoniously dumped from his cushy office job in computers following a realignment, retrenchment readjustment thing that is proving so popular the world over these days. Yet needless to say, the mortgage still needed to be paid, so over those chilled beers Peter had suggested to Colin helping him out with his mobile car cleaning business. No matter that the closest Colin had got to cleaning a car in recent years was running it through the automatic car wash at the supermarket. But how hard could it be?

After battling the traffic, Colin arrived at Peter’s house, feeling frustrated and pissed off.  Peter’s trim front garden and nearly completed conservatory caught Colin’s eye and he had to admit that his brother-in-law was doing more than ok for himself, getting chumps like him to clean cars and creaming a big healthy chunk off the top for the privilege. Colin realised though he was in a ‘loser can’t be chooser’ situation so he had to grit his teeth and be nice.

“You do know how to clean cars don’t you Colin?” said Peter. “Sure” said Colin. “That’s good because there’s a car round the back I want you to clean for me now.”

Two hours later Colin was sweating like a pig on chilli peppers and still trying to clean the car out the back. Each time he thought he had it nice and sparkling, Peter would pop out and point to some areas that could do with a bit more work. “You did use traffic film degreaser on these windows like I showed you didn’t you?” said Peter, inspecting the windows and running a finger along the width of the windscreen. “Hmm feels gritty, and I need this finished like now, cos the client’s coming back in a minute – in fact – here she is now.”

Walking down the street towards them with a cappuccino in her hand, was an attractive leggy brunette. Peter made a big show of explaining how Colin was new, inexperienced and was not quite finished with her car and could she wait ten minutes.  The girl turned to look at Colin who smiled weakly, feeling even more of a fully qualified fool. Luckily just at that moment, Peter’s mobile squawked in his pocket. One of his mobile cleaning dimwits was having an altercation with a car park attendant on an industrial estate. It required Peter’s consummate negotiation skills so he retreated to his office, leaving Colin alone with just the girl and his oily rags.

As soon as Peter was gone, the girl turned to Colin.“It looks fine to me and I’m in a helluva rush” so saying she leaned forward into the car and placed her cappuccino in the freshly polished dash cup holder. Just as she did so, a stiff breeze flipped up her skirt revealing little pink panties which embarrassed the hell out of her, but it broke the ice, and she told Colin why she was in a rush. She had to open the stand at CSI, the big Computer Security exhibition.

“Computer Security?” exclaimed Colin “That’s my real line of work.” They say fortune favours the brave, and perhaps because Colin had the guts to try the car cleaning gig, fortune dictated that her company was hiring, and in the meantime they urgently needed someone who could lend a hand at the exhibition.

Right about now you’re thinking, isn’t that nice, this car cleaning loser finds a cute girl who flashes her panties and offers him a new job. Where the hell is the masterbation technique in that?

Didn’t anyone ever tell you that some of the best masterbation techniques come to those who wait? And didn’t the nice lady need a hand on the stand?  All is revealed in chapter two.

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